#im scared im somehow faking it even though i am literally in pain and i can physically feel it near constantly

[nightfallsystem]

is it ok to just say im disabled i have chronic pain and it kind of affects me so i can barely walk a lot and its constant and i have to ration my energy but idk

like,,

i dont want to misuse the label if im not disabled

and im almost scared im playing my disability (/ies if i consider my autism a disability but personally i dont know if i consider my autism one yet) up somehow

but idk. im in pain most of the time it affects my ability to do stuff ,,, but idk

like id almost feel bad ?? even thouhgh i googled it and i fit the definition ?? maybe im in denial maybe its internalized ableism ??? idk ??

[werevulvi]

Face my fragmentation

“The distinction between performance and reality, always caught up entangled Not knowing if what I know is truth, or beliefs carefully mangled Did my past deception ring true at the end or am I just reconciling with what I cannot bend? In the sanctuary of my own home, do I wear my true face? As it changed with time and testosterone, its nuances shifted out of place With my senses hightened outside, I'm unaware of what I hide Yet I call for no reduction of what I became; I remain yet the same I thrifted pieces of my shame, to once again be restored into pride I'm perpetually misjudged by my appearance, but I let it slide for the sake of my privacy, when the need to know basis is none but it still twists my gut, telling me that my womanhood is gone Have I sought to become what I already am, or am I trying to be what is beyond my reach; a pipedream of tricks and tragedy Wearing stage makeup for casual pursuits, the tedium I'm trying to exhale but I cannot differentiate freedom from what's cheaply on sale And I begin to wonder, if what's chasing me is my destination if I should turn around to further face my fragmentation My bits of male and female; chafing together, comforting apart each belonging to different pieces of my shattered heart” Ah, the perpetual confusion continues! I still feel as though I've some amount of conflict between what I consider my male traits and female parts. That I like them all but can't quite put them together. And I'm thinking that has something to do with my traumatised mind still being very fragmented, despite having integrated with my alter. Like that integration didnt exactly make all of my dissociative symptoms go away. And being in a constant dissociative fog surely makes it hard to figure out what is me being true to myself or accidentally creating yet another persona. Especially considering much of my dysphoria was caused by the traumas that also caused my dissociative issues. So how I perceive my body both genderly and in general are very linked together. There's no clear distinction yet every aspect of me is so far apart. Like two similar things placed in two different rooms, and the time it takes to walk from one thing to the other makes you forget how different or similar they actually are. I dont think my body or my mind being androgynous makes me any less female or not a woman, its not that. But I'm not blind to how the rest of the world sees me and I'm also not immune to its effects on how I perceive myself as a consequence. I have thought, although only in sheer desperation, about if it would be easier to "just" live as a feminine trans man. But I dont want to cause it goes against everything I feel about myself as a woman. It would be like admitting defeat. Like saying it actually was "too late" into transition for me to detrans. And I'm not the kind of person who gives up about what matters to me really a lot. Not that I dont give up easily, but that I simply DON'T give up. Like no matter how hard it is. I keep trying until I manage, and only sometimes temporarily retreat. And I know that my fight/right to be a woman is something that I cannot and wont give up on. No matter how much I'll stumble and fall. But how do I conquer these obsticles? And how do I learn to live as an ambiguous woman who's constantly perceived as male? How do I handle this consatant feeling of having been robbed of my womanhood? How difficult it is to feel welcome in any lesbian community or women only space in general, when looking like a man (i.e a threat). Worrying about being tossed out of bathrooms cause I'm too scared of walking into the mens room to put on makeup, while wearing a dress and fake boobs. Worrying about locker rooms for when I'll start practicing karate again, as I highly doubt there will be a gender neutral option for that. Cause im terrified of showering naked with a bunch of naked men, cause open showers is standard in my country, and I'm sure that other women in their locker room would freak out if I walked in there, cause that's happened before. I know I'll have to have a conversation with the instructors at that karate club about my locker room issue, but still.

That is why I still hold off on starting practicing at my island's only karate club, but it's a dream that I cannot hold off on forever. I'm thinking it might be easier to "prove my case" when I'm legally female again, and for other practical reasons it would be more convenient to wait until after my breast reconstruction surgery has been done and healed properly as well. But how I'm perceived by others based solely on my looks (and voice) will continue to be ambiguous at best, as I'm keeping and cherishing my traits from testosterone. It's not that I care about random people's opinions of me, cause I don't. It's that it makes those kinds of social situations difficult to deal with and solve. And I feel like I'm stuck in a tight web about it. The ways in which my dysphoria slithers around in me is confusing and exhausting to try to figure out and get a grasp of. But I've come to understand now that basically: as a trans man I was happy with what testosterone did for me and I for the first started finally liking parts of my body. It was an over all positive experience for me. But I hated living as a man and forcing myself to be masculine. It felt like a burden that alienated me, as I couldn't connect to either men or other women anymore, and I felt that more and more over the years, like some abstract force that became mysteriously heavier over time. Until I understood that I was going against my nature. It felt good at first, but then felt increasingly heavier and like a burden, that social role and the lie that I tried to become. Top surgery (about 5 years into my social transition) made it worse cause it was such a jarring experience. Sadly, I hated my breasts until the day they were gone... then I missed them. It only traded one kind of suffering for another, and I had no idea that would happen. That made me even more confused, but I was afraid of my feelings so I bottled them and shoved them away. For 4 years.

Then when I started healing from my traumas and I began to fall in love with my body and my personality, detransition was just around the corner and it happened so fast. It was literally like I woke up that morning feeling like I was a man like always, and when I went to bed that night I knew I was a woman and regretted it all. As well as instantly ditching the masculinity I had forced myself into, for my long lost femininity. That strong contrast was a tad overwhelming!

However, now reflecting back on it, I don't think most of that instant regret I felt was really that, but rather that it was an expression of my inner conflict between the liberation of finally connecting with my womanhood for the first time ever, and my love for my male physical traits that clashed with the idea of womanhood that had been imprinted into my brain by society. Or to put it more simply: my love for my androgynous body clashed with my false view of myself as a traditionally feminine woman. I felt stuck with my androgyny when in fact there was never anything wrong with either me or my androgyny, but I couldn't put it together with being a woman. Cause I felt suddenly threatened by it. I felt like I was somehow newly a woman, and my old-fashioned, conservative view of what I thought women "should" look like made me attack the one thing I had finally come to love, which was what had brought me to see myself as a woman to begin with: my body. Eventually, as I became more stable over time in my detransition, I started to find my way back to that love I always had for my male traits, and tried to basically integrate them into my newfound womanhood, but that was and still is a struggle. Even just getting myself to walk outside with a beard visible on my face and with any amount of confidence to do so, since detransing, has taken me around 6 months so far, and it's still a work in progress. I keep fighting it, viewing my facial hair as a threat to my womanhood while still loving it. Is it right, is it wrong, that I still love my beard? I know that does not matter, but my emotions don't give a fuck about that. They won't listen to reason. But I see that I am beautiful with strikingly intense looks, self-love and pride showing through behind a hesitant smile, when I allow myself to wear my beard like the part of my body that it now is. I do not want to get rid of it, but I definitely want to get rid of the social stigma around bearded women with deep voices. But that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. So I'm gonna have to live with that stigma, reluctantly.

And even during that time, I sometimes, or even most of the time, directed my frustration with being misgendered towards my beloved male traits, as if they were the enemy and not society. Cause I'm just as much forced to live in this society as I am forced to live with my own body... it takes much work to not let either of those two drive me crazy. Having and keeping my male features literally does me no harm at all. Especially not considering I'm no longer taking the testosterone, only keeping its permanent effects. Actually I think trying to reverse those effects would be more harmful than keeping them. I know I'd always rather listen to my heart than society when it comes to making any kinds of permanent changes to my body. But I'll still hear society, regardless of how much I don't listen to it. And sometimes what it says just fucks me up and makes me sad. I know I would be dysphoric again if I got rid of my male traits. I know because for everytime I've considered it and used any sort of words like "removing" or "lasering off" or "getting rid of" those traits, it has made my stomach turn in a mentally painful twist. And I know because I'd regret it if I got rid of them. That I would grieve their loss, just like I grieved the loss of my breasts. And I don't wanna go through that with any more parts of my body. Even just thinking about it makes me wanna protect myself.

Truth is I don't wanna look either completely female or completely male, as for my physical appearance. But I'm fine with simply being biologically female regardless of how I want to appear. It's a fact I've no issue with anymore, and I'm no longer dysphoric about any of my remaining female parts, like I used to be. But I do not want to again look like I never transitioned to begin with. I do not miss my voice being higher pitched at all, or having a smooth face, a less hairy body or a smaller clit. My style is mostly feminine, but my body is a mix of male and female traits.

(Just to clarify, I use the word "male" instead of "masculine" when it comes to my transitioned physical traits because masculinity is a social construct, but such physical traits (like beards, deep voices, etc) are much more closely associated with male biology than any social construct. And vice versa for my female traits.) Am I less female for having some additional male traits? No, I'm still 100% female, but now with some additional male traits. I'm a woman who went through both female and male puberty, hormonally. And I like it that way, but I never liked to regularly dress masculine, and I've also never liked having a totally female-appearing body and face either. I've wanted a deep voice and facial hair ever since I was 12 years old. Whatever it means, it's not a new or sudden wish. I've had it for most of my life, which is probably why I'm so happy to have those traits now. But I also don't and can't think of myself as a feminine man, no matter how much I look like one on the surface. It's just an illusion, a consequence of my transition+style. It was a choice, and I really don't know if I regret that choice or not. Transitioning, as a whole, didn't quite turn out as I had intended. I guess that's all I really know for sure. My chest is now my only source of dysphoria. Cause I guess I can regret top surgery without also regretting testosterone. Or maybe I just want new boobs regardless of if I have chest dysphoria or not, and consider the risks of getting new boobs worth it to connect better with my body as a beautiful (not necessarily in a sexual way) and comforting meatsuit to carry around my soul (or brain, if you don't believe in souls) in. I kinda intend for my detransition to take me "halfway back" in a sense. Like two steps forward and one step back. I see myself as a woman now only cause I made peace with my body being female, but I don't really think I have an actual gender per se. I don't identify AS a woman, although in a sense I do identify WITH womanhood; as in female biology, actually natural femininity and being a lesbian.

My androgynous looks are intentional now, and I intend to rock it as well as I can. My body is solely for myself, but of course I can't and shouldn't hide completely from others just because they're not my target audience. My body is my only true home and I don't like it too plain and undecorated. I'm not a minimalist by far, I feel comforted and up-lifted by some colours, tinsel and patterns in my near presense to brighten up the gloom in my tortured mind. Looking fancy for no particular occasion, for my mental health, is a good and quite harmless type of self-care. Although perhaps not ideal, it's still far better than self-harm. Ultimately, how I perceive myself is just as a woman, and neither my transition to male nor my detransition to physically nonbinary quite reflect that, but they don't need to. But what my detransition does need is work the fuck together with my self-perception. I'm scavenging for a strategy to achieve that kind of inner team work. I know this text became really long, but I wanted to still include all that reflecting on my transition and detransition so far. Cause I wouldn't have ended up here without all those experiences. (And no I won’t make this post a “read more” thing cause I know you guys are too lazy to click on such things.)

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 10 - "I've been channeling Raffy's chaos and messy style" ~Amy

Colin survived omg omg. I went on call with him after tribal council and I smoothed things over with us. So I'm like the only person he's not hating right now. Also I literally told Colin everything. I told him exactly what happened which is so awkward if anyone finds out I tolf him that they all backstabbed him. Also Elle cannot be trusted!! Why would she do this? She's probably working with Colin and at this point I'm ok with voting off Elle. She really backstabbed the entire plan. Also Elle's idol is gone so it would be easy. BUT, we need to rid of the advantages that remain. There's not any time to get off people I don't trust. We need to expose every last idol we can. Also I know Brayden has an idol and I'm working with him but I might have to backstab that guy because if he makes it to final tribal council with an idol that will be big on his resume. Honestly Brayden will be seen as the most popular social player so that will look really good compared to me. So I might have to backstab my best friend before the time runs out. 

Wtf was that tribal. Literally besides Colin, the only person left out of the vote and lied to by my own partner. Just when i thought things were looking up for me in this game, the rug gets pulled from underneath me again. I literally dont feel like i can trust any of them but for the sake of playing nice, I have to pretend that everything is fine and be a fake bitch for a day or two. Ugh 😑

I understand Colin is probably really upset and hurt because he felt personally close with me, but I don’t understand why my reasons for not saving him weren’t valid. When he tried to save Dennis, it rubbed HIMYM the wrong way and I didn’t want to betray 5 people for 1 person the same way he did that because it’s what gave everyone distrust. He said he didn’t tell anyone about HIMYM until after he heard his name, but that’s a lie as Josh and Jay both heard of it by round 8. I said that and then he said “well that’s still one person”. It’s more than one and even then, one person is one person. You gave us a reason to distrust you and that’s why you were targeted. I never told anyone about his SWP because I didn’t want to give him a reason to tell others I’m not trustworthy or for him to target me with. Ultimately, of course I knew Jay wasn’t going to send me out, but there was a real concern that Babs had an idol and that between me and Anastasia, I would go. So yeah, my concerns were indeed valid as it could’ve gone to a point where I go. I really want immunity this round. So bad. But if it’s not me I’ll be ok with my allies having it. But please I want immunity!!! 

[this was earlier, but put it wherever✨] Sooooo so much drama these days, I used to be in an alliance with Jay, Brayden, and Anastasia but they're all in a megasix alliance except Jay is relatively new bc they swapped him out for Colin recently, Jay is completely in Jodi's pocket and RIP honestly bc I was hope our little Corn Tribe (we're both from Ohio lol) would make it far, Colin and I are firmly allies now and we have an alliance with Amy (who is currently Colin's no. 1 ally and I respect that she risked it all for him lol understandable) and are goin to make another one with Josh. Josh and I are allies and I trust him a lot partially bc ppl lied to him almost as much as ppl lied to me and Colin and being at the bottom is a good way to know your allies are true, they have little to gain 😂 oh and Brayden and Anastasia and I are still "allies" and idk Jay hasn't talked to me yet sooooo let's see what happens there!

I accidentally said that Josh was on the bottom out loud when I was answering him for the question who doesnt deserve to be here. Omg I literally ruined our relationship. I am sooo stupid. I literally told him i was sorry and he said K. Ok but he is on the bottom. Obviously he doesn't need me as an ally and that whole side has a plan. Omg Im ready to be blindsided lol. But also maybe dont vote out me. Josh really isnt that forgiving is he? That is crazy to me. I wouldve pretended to forgive at least. Now I feel even more awful because he never said he forgave me. Pain. Anyways I screwed up and now I'm just praying Josh doesn't gun after me now. But I did tell Josh the whole truth and apologized genuinly about the situation. Oh god I hope he doesnt hate me. I dont even want him as a jury vote I just cant take anyone hating me or disliking me. It makes me want to throw up. But I deserve to feel this way since I emberassed him infront of everyone i am so so stupid. Anyways time to plan who to get out. OMG JOSH JUST TEXTWD ME "It's fine Im on the bottom. My feelings dont matter" WHAAATTT OF COURSE HIS FEELINGS MATTWR I CANT BELOEBE IHURT HIS ACTUAL FEELINFA I AM SO STUPID WTF I AM AWFUL I WILL GO APOLOGIZE MORW NOW GOODBYE

it appears either jodi or jared are going tonight, and although they’re my allies, i selfishly don’t care. I’ll still be in the game, so that’s nice i suppose. I love jodi, but she’s paranoid and it’s a whole deal trying to work with her, if she got voted out i could maybe get some sleep every once in awhile. I love her to death, but frankly whatever happens tonight as long as it ain’t me I don’t really care. Hell, even if it is me, then whatever lol, I can get caught up on sleep then. Frankly this is where the game gets ugly, and i’m cool with staying out of the drama. it still sucks that josh hates me though, i genuinely like him, and i feel like he doesn’t want to be my friend beyond the game anymore. To me, i’m going to keep doing me. I’m gonna chill, i’m gonna relax, and i’ll play when i feel like it. My mental health is important, so even if i’m not playing as hard as others, it’s just a game. If i lose, i will not lose any sleep over it. 

DAMN last tribal really killed the vibes in the game. no one wants to talk. everyone is scared of stuff getting leaked or turning on people. BUT ON THE FLIP side that means everyone is flipping on everyone SOMEHOW amy managed to escape unscathed. They have NO idea she's in with us and with them. She's telling us everything. it's actually insane to watch her do it. Truly international superspy behavior.   We have our numbers and they have theirs. They made another majority alliance except they replaced me with Jay. Whatever, expected. its fine. I truly did not talk much to people before the challenge, I just laid back and let Amy gather information for us. The immunity challenge was absolutely crazy good for us. Elle winning immunity is perfect, and the fact they GAVE AMY the other immunity is also amazing, a testament to how much they do trust her. THEN THIS IS WHERE THINGS STARTED GETTING EXCITING so I still have my handy chaos idol. I was thinking about numbers and I came to the realization that we could get Jodi cirie'd out this tribal. Their side is splitting votes on Josh and I, and there's four of us. If we vote the other 4 people in that alliance and then play the chaos idol, it leaves Jodi the only one without a vote and she's automatically out. It was a huge risk but I brought this plan to Josh, Amy, and Elle. because of the touchy subjects it made me truly feel that I could trust my allies right now. I was voted "Who is your closest ally" and I'm almost certain it was those three that put me down. That means I can trust them with this plan. (I hope). Elle, however, brought up the very good point that Jodi might be idoled, it's very obvious for us to go after her. SO we also decided that we should leave no votes on Brayden and then theres a revote between the two. SO TLDR THE PLAN RN: play chaos idol and coordinate votes so there's a revote between Jodi and Brayden. Also we're telling everyone else our plan is to vote Jared, that way it's not too obvious we have shit up our sleeve. there is the prospect of them splitting the vote 3-3 and then we don't even need to use the chaos idol, we just have the numbers. The other option is they put all 6 votes on one person and then we do have to play it. Thats why its so good we have Amy as our inside source telling us everything that's going on with them. so yeah right now we're still playing it by ear. not a lot of people are online and available to we're just waiting to get it all sorted out. Updates soon! uwu

Hahahahaha omfg so after we yeeted out of last tribal and then elle used their idol apparently anastasia and jodi changed their vote to Babs so they still went home and we kept Colin's idol. We jumped back on the tribe call and it was only host Jay and Raffy left lol like we were ready for a tribe fight! But I think it turned out better because I am still getting all the info in the group. Touchy subjects was interesting and almost exposed us bc colin and jodi tied for closest allies lol which I'm sure it was like 3-3-whatever. But she said I'm the group maybe it was like 2-2-1s. So that's a relief. However. Everyone is being really quiet with me and our brayden - jodi - me alliance is silent. I'm concerned they think it is me who's leaking but from what I can tell jodi (and thus anastasia, brayden,jay, and jared automatically) believe it was elle who leaked the plan to vote colin. So idk how but I'm in the clear. I'm just waiting to be found out bc I'd be an easy vote out. BUT I think they believe I'm still with new himym because brayden chose to give me immunity in touchy subjects!! And elle got first out!! So we are both safe and the current plan for Jodi's group is to tell Colin josh and elle they are splitting but they will put all votes on josh so that colin flushes his idol. Except lol it's a chaos idol. And if that's the case colin wants me to vote him ☠️ but it actually keeps him safe so I'll do it. I would just hate for the chaos idol to be fake. I think I know where all remaining advantages are except the idol I think Jared has lol. So for the break down brayden has an idol he believes is real but is fake and he is not telling anyone in the group or jodi or me so as much as I like brayden I can't wait to see him play it and it's fake. Then Colin has Dennis's chaos idol and one more regular idol. I have the merge idol and a steal a vote. That leaves only jared's idol that we might be able to flush this go if they actually believe jared is the target from Josh elle colin. But if they don't we can leave votes off jared and jodi and we can vote out the unplayed idol or vote jodi out and her minions have to regroup. My biggest concern has been josh bc he really seems to not like me ☠️ and here I am risking it all to keep colin, elle, and josh in the game lol. So now colin elle and I have a three. Colin filled them in and they trust me. And we waited until josh calmed down bc he was really mad that I cut his rope in the challenge. Unfortunately I knew that he wasn't winning bc he's at the bottom, none of them were giving him immunity, and I needed to keep up the facade that I was with them 100% so I was guessing like everyone else on the most allies even though I knew it would be colin lol. So now colin has talked to Josh and josh knows about the chaos idol so I just hope he's 100% with us. Because if we play this right it's 4-4. And then I'm gonna have to reveal to them I have a steal a vote lol they might be upset I didn't tell them before but I've never said I didn't have anything (except to jodi whoops). Also now jodi is thinking worst case like wants me to say I'll vote out anastasia if it's a revote and also at 6. I was like "oh I'm a revote? I got you" as in if vote you out sorry girl. Listen I know I'm not winning and I know I'm not getting to the end because it would be stupid to take me at this point. I'm literally a double agent secret spy lol. However the entire jury WILL despise me but all I could hope is they respect the moves I made. But it seems like a lot of people in this game take things very personal so I really think it would be a completely bitter jury against me not that I'm getting there. I kind of don't want to use my steal a vote at 8 and hope they still think I'm with new himym because then we could simply idol where their vote is and I keep steal a vote for 6 and my idol for 5 and I'm golden lol 😂. And here I was gonna hard quit the game lol. I mean tbh they could just vote me here... Wait lol I'm immune jk thanks. Literally i think Babs is indifferent and dennis did like me but his vote would still go to colin. But if I was in f3 IMAGINE the story of have to tell lol and convince them all. It's the struggle of playing more behind the scenes but I really think someone is going to leave the info. I hope josh stays quiet until 7 when we should have numbers. Anyway all of this to say I wanted to play this game doing the absolute minimum and I'm spending hours and hours a day like copy pasting from the group to colin 😂 and now to our group. The problem is colin really believed jared when he said he'd flip and I was like colin no that's EXACTLY what he detailed he'd do in the group. And then Colin and josh were like wait anastasia and brayden may consider flipping and here I was like no y'all they are telling me / us they're saying that. Unless it's like a double play they are lying to you and that's their plan. All I can do is copy paste their exact messages and hope they believe me. I really do think they trust me bc I'm risking my life here. I just need to talk to Josh and explain the situation and I am with him not against him! Honestly this is such a great cast and they are playing very well. It'll be fun to see how it all works out. I don't think I'll be at the end but I would love to see underdogs take it. I would actually love josh elle and Colin at the end and I'd vote colin to win lol he put in work! I'd also vote anastasia to win because she has laid low so well with still having pull in the game. Idk it's a fun one that I think will blow up on me soon but I've been channeling Raffy's chaos and messy style bc I'm just here to have fun not to win actually lol. I am writing this while on a flight so I'll have updates later. Oh right our 4 group plan is to use the chaos idol and throw votes around so that like 2 or 3 people don't have votes then they are the only ones vulnerable in the revote and everyone who got votes is safe. Then we can vote either jared or jodi like that's the thing if jodi doesn't play an idol here I don't think she has one or no one is giving her one. I think my only chance to make it farther is to let the 4 group know I'm with them 100% but still keep my idol for myself hopefully until 6 or 5 but lol idk about that. Like I can see them wanting to take me out then. Okay that's all my thoughts right now.

https://youtu.be/ji7K8HkLmRY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78Ru1J0iXYA&feature=youtu.be

https://youtu.be/rVRVR2zzkPc

https://youtu.be/PAjCL7-GWV

[😬 Not me completely forgetting to send this oops here i'll add a fun quote at the beginning] Jodi is Regina George, we are the schoolbus✨ Sooooooo Colin has a chaos idol how fun for him and tbh im kinda tired so here's the voting plan and the rest you can just kinda glean: Amy - Josh Elle - Colin Josh - Anastasia Colin - Jay ~~~

Edgic:

Power Ranking:

Amy: She has managed to escape suspicion from last round. Nobody believes her to be the rat leaking things to Colin. She is in the best position in this game right now being on all sides and having every single option open to her.

Colin: King of idols. King of chaos. He has it all locked down. Has capitalized on those the Jodi side has burned. Will continue to capitalize on it. The power struglle ends here.

Elle: Mostly just floating behind Colin’s shield which is what she should be doing atm.

Josh: If he stays out of people’s periphery, he can make it far. Might be dragged to end, but could make a great pitch for himself.

Jay: Ruined his position with multiple people last round. Is sort of in the middle? Sort of not? He is definitely aligned with Anastasia and Brayden who are protecting him.

Brayden: If he betrays Jodi, he will shoot up in this ranking. Needs to become a free agent instead of being locked into an alliance.

Anastasia: If she betrays Jodi, she will shoot up in this ranking. Needs to step away from Brayden and Jay who are clouding her good judgment. She is being iced from the other side.

Jared: I don’t know why he is going to use his idol on Jodi? His loyalty to her will be his downfall.

Jodi: Seems to have accepted being voted out this round. Seems to have backed herself into a corner based on her logic. Too worried about advantages to see the right path.

[mono-red-menace]

need to work on admitting to myself that i'm just Some Girl and not applying my inflated black and white morality to myself like.

i'm just this horrible innately wretched being in my mind. if i'm happy and cute there must be some ulterior motive in my mind like i must be trying to do something bad. if i make someone mad, well of course i did im evil and bad i'm a monster of course i upset them! i cant do something perfect well of course i cant i'm a horrible monster to the core nothing i can be will be perfect because i'm horrible to the core.

but like.

in. in my mind.

is the thing.

all of these things are

in my mind.

when i'm happy and cute i'm just. happy and cute, i'm a person. just because i've been like. made to feel like my happiness is somehow predatory doesn't mean it. Is. i'm Some Girl. just A Person. not a monster.

and if i upset someone it's not because i Intended to harm them, it's not like im this Horrible Abusive Monster who Loooves to hurt people but tries to lie to itself that it Haaates hurting people because uh. fuck if i no. i'm just. a person with horrible self image issues instilled by a horrible childhood of constantly blaming herself for everything because of a father who constantly berated her and called her horrible things and made it seem like she was evil for just existing despite being a Literal Child. Just Some Girl. i'm just Some Girl.

and when i don't do things perfectly it's not because i'm incapable it's not because im a fraud it's not because all i know how to do is steal and distort and hurt. when i make something and it sucks or i fail at something or when i can't retain information it's not because of these things i've been made to believe. i'm just. Some Girl. i'm not some prodigy who is going to be the first person in our family to make something of themself and i'm not some wretched worthless fake, fools gold given to a family in need. i'm just. a Girl. who is allowed to make mistakes because i'm not a god and not a monster. just. a girl.

and dreaming constantly of a life i could live without taking the steps because i'm scared of messing it up because i see myself as a monster who is Undeserving of happiness, who will inevitably ruin it because it's in her nature, dreaming endlessly of being successful and loved, for people to look at her art and go "i like this!" even if it's just a few. because. like. how are you going to achieve that if all you do is dream it and cry? you're Some Girl.

every artist was just Some Boy or Some Girl. and even after they were famous, the fact remains. we're humans. everyone fails and everyone wins. and. i need to admit to myself that a reason i don't improve is because i'm unwilling to admit to myself that i'm. a person.

i'll probably never be everything i want to be, i'll probably never be there in front of hundreds of people, recorded for millions more, explaining my art and feeling the recognition i feel i deserve because why wouldn't i? after so long of being made to feel bad why can't i feel happy about that? you know? but like.

i'm. Some. Girl. who doesn't have the money and time to put into her joys. who is in constant pain, exhausted from work. suffering and just. scared to be anything less than perfect because anything less than perfect proves she's a monster to the words in her head drilled in there by others.

scared to turn into her father, scared she'll do to others what has been done to her. scared she only has capacity to bring harm, ignoring the times when she doesn't. scared of her failures but ignores her victories, feels any love shown to her is a mistake and any hate given to her is deserved.

and too scared to let go of being a monster because what would she have left then

yk?

anyways

this is dumb and melodramatic.

but that's me! :)

not a bad thing to be a little melodramatic when you're sad. as long as you don't throw it out there as a "woe is me i'm hopeless and bad and evil" like

i mean this is really bad writing i'm sad to admit but it's better me write my feelings in my goofy over-dramatic "i wish i was an artist" way but present them as Normal to myself. rather than just keep it inside myself and letting my negative voice take the reins.

sometimes i have to write it out and when i write something in that negative voice, either erase it and correct it directly, or correct it later on.

i always present any negative self thought as exactly that, Thought.

my intention might get lost a bit sometimes, but i try to write things like "i see myself as a monster" rather than "i am a monster," unless, through earlier context it can be assumed i only believe this and it's not true, though sometimes i leave the context in my mind

basically this is my silly way-too-verbose way of saying.

yeah i'm good i write my vents to work out the emotions and feel catharsis, i learned a Little bit from cbt and dbt lmao

[4jimin]

change my mind

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook and Park Jimin; jikook/kookmin Genre: Fluff (a lot), college au, friends to lovers Length: 7k words; 3 chapters | crossposted on ao3 Summary: “I don’t do relationships,” Jimin spills in the fresh air of the fast food – a mixed smell of hamburgers, ketchup and french fries surrounding them. “I enjoy the conquest and the flirting part better. Relationships are always so boring and predictable. Not to mention most of the times fake.” Jungkook rolls his eyes and laughs, pretending he doesn’t feel his heart clench and slightly sink inside his chest. “You’re helpless.” Jimin smiles at him, and it’s almost unfair. “Call me realistic.” he corrects, taking a greasy thumb till his lips to clean it out of the oil of the food. He repeats the same action with the rest of his fingers. Jungkook has to divert his gaze, scared he might end up staring too hard. He snorts with a made up irritation. “I call you a pain in the ass.”

“Love means never having to say you're sorry”. It's written with white chalk on the blackboard hanging by the wall a few tables across him. It quotes “love story, 1970” in a smaller calligraphy right beneath the sentence. Jungkook dwells in the words for a while. He observes the vintage posters pending from the newly painted lilac walls around him with a forced interest, as he taps with long fingers on the plastic cup of cola he ordered. Bullshit, he decides. What is even supposed to mean? That you can't mess up because you love someone? Or that you can't say sorry, because if someone loves you they instantly forgive you, it doesn’t matter what you did? Either way, bullshit. People give too much credit for things just for being old. He sighs, the scent of fresh paint invading his lungs. It used to be baby yellow. The walls. Before the place was just a normal coffee shop and not a fast food with a coupled bookstore. “It's not going to work out,” Jungkook remembers Namjoon saying when they were passing in front of the place being renovated, “people will have greasy fingers from their hamburgers. How will they touch the books like this? The covers will be all disgusting after some time.” Jungkook just shrugged back then. He doesn’t really remember if he agreed or not. But, it turns out Namjoon was wrong. There is a glass wall separating the bookstore from the fast food, so the smell of french fries and cheddar won’t mix with the scent of newly printed copies and fresh ink – also, people has enough sense to clean their hands before moving to the books section, so, by far, the recent business seems to be going very well. Jungkook can’t decide if he prefers the prettier environment it became after the reform, or the calmness it used to have before the appealing design of modernity attracted an alarming number of people. Probably the calmness, since it wouldn’t take so long for Jimin to change a wrong order. The waiter had somehow mixed it with someone else's, getting the boy a double chicken with extra cheddar when he had asked for a steak with barbecue sauce and cream cheese. After opening his hamburger, Jimin had grimaced with the funniest – and maybe kind of cute? – nose scrunch ever. “I hate cheddar.” He stated, as if it wasn’t obvious by the utterly disgusted expression on his face. Another discovery for his on-making list of things about Park Jimin. “How dare you?!” Jungkook had brought a hand to his chest at the declaration, just for the sake of accentuating drama. “I trusted you.” He choked out in fake offense, hoping to hear the older boy's laugh. Unfortunately, he had been given only a faint chuckle followed by a roll of eyes and a “You're an idiot, Jeon. I'll be right back.”, before Jimin got up from his seat and disappeared on his walk till the counter, in search for the right order. They've known each other for five months now – not that Jungkook is counting, it just happened for them to meet on the exact same day the latest movie of Avengers was out, so it also just happened for him to have the day tracked in his mind. Coincidences of life. Anyway, it's little time – Jungkook knows –, and it was definitely not enough to deepen their relationship the way he wished – but, nevertheless, it's nice. They are past the awkward silences and the weird topic's conversations it has some time now, and it isn’t like they are the most intimate people in the world, but yeah, they have some intimacy. Enough that Jungkook has grown used to regularly tease Jimin about his height or – this one Jimin hates the most – his fingers. He bites the inner part of his cheek in order to repress a smile at the memory of Jimin cutely glaring at him with rosy cheeks when Jungkook told him he had baby hands for the first time. He tries not to think about it for too long though, scared he might blush just as hard as Jimin did that day.

There is a foreign song comfortably floating around the place. He is almost sure it belongs to Coldplay, or to a band with equivalent musical genre. It's nice, but he is growing impatient and his lunch is cooling down untouched in front of him – consequently losing half of the unhealthy flavor only a fast food could provide. He wonders if getting up to see how much longer it would take for Jimin to come back would be rude of him. Maybe it would. So instead, he chooses to open the (mostly useless) notifications on his phone. There's a message from Jin and another from his dad. The one asking if he has eaten belongs to Jin. Not that he is surprised. He smiles, typing 'yes mom' – because well, he is about to –, and decides to ignore the one from his father, which questions him when he is paying them a visit. His smile almost fades, but then he clicks on Jimin's icon, leading to their conversation thread.

Jiminie – 11:45 am why are you online u kid shouldn’t u be on class?

You – 11:46 am i am and stop calling me kid

Jiminie – 11:46 am ohhh seems like we have a rebel here lmao

You – 11:46 am shut up asdjk aren't you supposed to be on class too?

Jiminie – 11:47 am …

You – 11:47 am ;)

Jiminie – 11:47 am dont you ;) me !!

You – 11:47 am ;)

Jiminie – 11:47 am ugh

You – 11:49 am hey wanna grab some lunch after class? the fast food that reopened seems nice

Jiminie – 11:49 am the one across the street?

You – 11:50 am yea

Jiminie – 11:50 am do you like being with me that much? ;)

You – 11:50 am shit up look who's ;)-ing me now i just need company to eat

Jiminie – 11:50 am shit up

You – 11:51 am !! istg!!!

Jiminie – 11:51 am lmao meet me at 12:30 at the central gate

You – 11:52 am just changed my mind im calling someone else, you suck

Jiminie – 11:53 am yeah right

He didn’t change his mind. Nor did he call someone else. How could he, honestly? “Hey there.” Jungkook hears the voice he's already so familiar with, and smiles. “I'm back.” “Oh, nice,” he pretends to check the time on his nonexistent watch. “Just took you a lifetime.” “Shut up.” Jimin chuckles, taking his seat in front of the younger. “I decided to change my previous order.” Jungkook leans back on his chair, narrowing his eyes and tilting his head to the side. “No…” he drags the words out, disbeliefed. He had literally taken ten whole minutes to decide his order when they got there. Jimin giggles, following the same tone in a playful manner. “Yes…” The younger boy adjusts his posture, eyeing the other with something akin to incredulity. “How are you the most indecisive person in the whole entire world?!” he jokes, catching some fries from his tray, and shaking his head with a smile. “I just… like most things on the menu, okay?” Jimin tries to defend himself, sipping his orange juice from the straw. Hates cheddar and loves orange juice. Jungkook gave up on understanding him from there. “Except–“ he starts, already laughing, but is cut off. “Except the double chicken with extra cheddar, yes.” The older rolls his eyes, an habit he is very much attached to – almost as much as his uncontrollable urge of running his fingers through his hair. Jungkook is surprised he still haven't done it in, what? Three minutes? “You know, how fucked up is this?” Jimin drops the question, placing his elbow on the table to look at Jungkook with his face leaning on his hand. “The menu has like, at least thirty different hamburgers and mine got to get mixed with the only one I absolutely hate. I'd eat any other one.” Jungkook laughs at his misery, because they are past the phase where this kind of reaction could be read as rude. “I guess coincidences are really out there to bite us in the ass in our worst moments.” Jimin sighs, defeated. Jungkook shakes his head, shoving another portion of fries into his mouth. “Or perharps, you're just the unluckiest person in the world for the day.” Smiling, the older frowns, and unwraps his hamburger to take a bite. “What's this, a theory?” he asks after swallowing the food – because he's polite, unlike Jungkook, who speaks with his mouth partially full all the time. Not that any of them really cares. “What do you mean?” Jungkook doesn’t get the line of thought. “Like…” Jimin shifts on his seat to find a more comfortable position, “Do you think that there is a day for every person in the world to be the unluckiest?” Jungkook laughs, amused by how a random choice of words he made, aroused this kind of questioning on the boy. “Um, I don’t know? I've never really stopped to think about it, but maybe? It might.” He is about to remove the paper enveloping his own hamburger when an idea surges in his mind and lights up his features. “Oh! How about we do an experience?” “Experience?” Jimin smiles, never really able to not to when he is around the younger – because there is a thing about Jeon Jungkook that just keeps on impelling his cheeks to rose up and flush without his consent. It'd be frustrating if it wasn’t endearing. “Yeah, experience! You're our subject. If bad things enough happen to you today, then it's a proven theory.” He nods confidently. Jimin licks his lips before speaking. “I'm pretty sure every scientist out there in the world would be flattered by our revolutionary method of research.” They laugh, and Jungkook takes the chance to fully stare at Jimin – he is so pretty. However, the older's smile fades way too quickly, replaced by a sudden curious expression when Jungkook unwraps his hamburger. “Oh! Didn’t you tell me you were vegetarian before?” he asks, pointing at the food with a good piece of meat between the breads. Jungkook archs his eyebrows, genuinely surprised. “Oh? Do you remember that? It was like, months ago.” Jimin looks away, humming a sort of agreement and Jungkook almost thinks he sees the lightest of the pinks coloring his cheeks. “Ah…” he tries not to focus on it too much – it might make him delusional –, and concentrates on his response instead. “I don’t… You got it wrong. I'm trying to turn vegetarian. But fast food is kind of the misfortune of my attempts. And the meat here… Well, let's be honest, it doesn’t really tastes like meat.” The older giggles, sucking more juice from the straw afterwards. “But why did you decide this?” he licks his lips to catch some drops of the juice that accumulated on it and Jungkook has to try unusually hard to not stare. “Mhm, I…” he clicks his tongue in order to regain his focus and elaborate an answer, “I just… Don’t think eating animals is right.” Clever. Very clever, great job, Jeon. He facepalms himself inwardly. The problem is: he is always put on a challenge whenever he has to explain his ideals – he feels like he's pressured to convince the other person what he believes is right, and this, he just hates. Usually, because people tend to get defensive pretty fast, but also because he understands he can be wrong and that is okay for other people to not follow the same way of living as him. He just believes in what he believes and that's it. Jimin bites the corner of his lips, looking up thoughtful. “Yeah, but I don’t think anyone thinks it's right? I mean, don’t we just need it? As a vital necessity for our daily pack of energy as humans or something?” Jungkook decides to finally take a bite of his hamburger. “Not really. I mean,” he swallows, “of course it's important and it helps, but there are many potential substitutes. At least, for me it works. It doesn’t for everyone though. Some people really need it to survive, but since I don’t… what bad it does, right?” Jimin smiles, genuinely interested and Jungkook stupidly flushes. Seriously. “What made you get into it?” “Ah.” he bites his lower lip. It's not a topic he was expecting to talk about while they were eating. “It's a cruel system.” He stops himself when he is about to add an 'I think' in the end of the sentence. It's not an opinion; at least not this. It's the truth. “I kinda got disgusted of eating meat after watching a documentary about the way animals are treated in slaughterhouses. It's… unpleasant to know.” “Oh.” Jimin puts his lunch down. “I feel bad now.” “No, don’t feel!” Jungkook hurries. “I mean. Yeah, okay, you can feel, cause it's bad, but it's not like only one person can change the way this industry treats animals by not buying any more meat, so…” He explains. “I understand that, I'm trying to stop just because I truly feel disgusted now. I don’t enjoy the taste. Well, except for this. Fast food is my only weakness. And chicken nuggets.” Jimin nods and tries to lighten the atmosphere, changing the subject of conversation. “Oh! Just like soda to me.” Jungkook archs an eyebrow, ready to tease. “But you drink beer?” The older doesn’t answer, caught in a trap. “Seems logical.” He laughs hard when Jimin leans over the table to slap his arm. “Shut up.” He repeats for probably the tenth time that day. “It's addicting.” “I know. Even though it tastes like shit.” Jimin rolls his eyes, running his fingers through his hair and pushing his bangs backwards. Oh, there it is. Some strands get back on its place, but his forehead remains mainly exposed. It's a great sight. “Kid.” Jungkook rushes to defend himself. “M' not! Sayeon-noona is the same age as you and she agrees with me!” “Another kid!” Jimin accuses and laughs. Jungkook's scowl almost instantly disappears, as he gets busier being overwhelmed by the sound. “How is she, by the way?” How are you two?, he knows it's what it means. There's a sigh asking for allowance to escape from Jungkook's throat, but he reprimands it. “I guess we're really just friends, after all. We don't work out as a couple.” Jimin hums. “I'm… sorry to hear that.” “No, it's okay, truly. It's nice like this.” Jungkook takes the chance to sip another gulp on his drink, before asking, “What about you?” Jimin purses his lips to contain a smile, while shaking his head to the sides. His bangs move cutely, falling over his forehead again – almost calling for Jungkook's fingers to move them aside, so his beautiful skin can be fully on display once more. He swallows the urge, taking his hand to scratch his nape instead. “I'm the unromantic romantic type.” Jimin muses, and Jungkook frowns. “What?” he laughs, confused. “What do you mean?” “I don’t do relationships,” he states and Jungkook can almost feel his heart sinking at the words, but he pretends it's the ghostly sensation of the soda's gas on his throat. “Cause I enjoy the conquest and flirting part better.” The boy is suddenly amused at the reason. “Why?” Jimin clicks his tongue. “I like the nervousness of the unknown. The fluttering heart and the stomach's butterflies at the beginning. But that's it. I don’t like what comes next. The boredom of relationship, always so predictable and…? I don’t know, I don’t like it.” Jungkook nods understandingly, but not really agreeing. “It isn’t always like that, though, you know?” “Oh, please.” Jimin smiles. “You know it is.” “It's not!” Jungkook is smiling too, but he feels defensive, ready to stand for his point of view. “If your relationships are being predictable and boring, then you're dating wrong.” Jimin chews on a lonesome fry, before letting out, “Uh, I never dated.” He takes a moment to absorb the information. Park Jimin never… What? Jeon Jungkook is beyond offended. He stares at Jimin for a long second – mouth gaping for effect –, before playfully slamming his fist on the table with a fake angry expression, dragging the most gorgeous and contagious laugh ever out of Jimin's throat. He almost forgets what he is doing when the older squeezes his eyes shut and throws his head back, having Jungkook's own lips unconsciously quirking upwards into a giggle as he watches him. When Jimin composes himself again, Jungkook continues dramatically. “How can you possibly say you hate, with capital h, relationships, when you have never even once experienced one?!” Jimin shrugs, nonchalantly – yet, still with remainings of a playful chuckle on his features. “I just know.” “That's aburd. And impossible.” He emphasizes. “It is not!” It's Jimin's turn to stand for what he believes, it seems. “You have to agree with me that the flirting part is the best one.” Jungkook ponders for a second, just to sigh defeated on the other, already flashing a victorious smirk on his hyung's lips. “Well, yes, but only because I've been through a lot of shitty relationships.” “Jungkook… My dearest dear Jungkook… Let's be honest here.” Jimin closes his eyes while holding Jungkook's wrists for drama's sake, and then sighs even more dramatically when he blinks his eyes open to look at him again. “Every relationship is shitty.” Jungkook snorts. “Hyung! You're being very unfair and unconsiderate with every healthy and happy relationship out there in the world!” Jimin laughs. “Which is none.” “I'm offended.” Jungkook says, looking away with a pout and crossed arms, getting Jimin extra aware on his seat. “Wait, for real?” The boy eyes him, reluctant on his play. “No, but…” he lets his arm fall, already giving up on the act. “I mean, come on, there must be a relationship you look at and say, 'that's it, relationship goals'.” Jimin fakes a gag and Jungkook can’t help but chuckle at the sight. Fucking idiot. “Thankfully never.” “You're helpless.” “Call me realistic.” Jimin corrects him, taking a thumb till his lips to clean it out of the oil of the food. He repeats the same thing with the rest of his fingers. Jungkook diverts his gaze, scared he might end up staring too hard. “I call you a pain in the ass. Outch!” he complains when Jimin punches his shoulder – even though it didn't really hurt. “Respect your hyung, brat.” It's Jungkook's turn to roll his eyes – although, he keeps silent, eating the remainings of his now withered fries, and drinking the rest of his cola, hamburger already being digested inside his stomach. Jimin, however, is still on half of his burger, almost all of his fries out of the red container and scattered over his tray. “How do you eat so slowly?!” Jungkook asks, nearly shocked. Jimin answers him mouthful for the first time and Jungkook has to bite back a smile at his puffed cheeks. “Well, I'm sorry if I don’t eat like a starving tinasor!” Jungkook furrows his brows. “A tinawhat?” He swallows before speaking again. “Dinosaur!” The younger takes a hand to his chest, faking offense. “I don’t eat like a starving dinosaur! You're the one who eats like a slug!” Jimin rolls his eyes at him and sticks out his tongue. Jungkook has to chuckle in order to pretend he's not on the verge of melting. “You're so cute.” He lets out before his mind processes it. Well, shit. “I mean,” he tries to correct it, but just ends up pointing at Jimin's entire face. “Cute.” The black haired boy flushes so hard even his ears turn pink. “Shut up.” He mutters a second before taking the white straw to his mouth, the plastic turning orange when he sucks the liquid from the cup. He has such nice lips it's distracting. Jungkook misses the chance to tease him for blushing thanks to it. “Uh.” He forces a cough. “So.” And scratches the back of his neck, because it's terribly itching all of a sudden. Jimin's phone vibrating on the table saves him from the embarrassment and also from an awkward silence it was for sure going to settle on the table. The older takes the gadget on his free hand and presses the side button so the lockscreen lights up. “Ah!” Jimin groans, throwing his head back. Curious, Jungkook leans his cheek on the palm of his hand and asks, “What is it?” Jimin snorts, seemingly annoyed. “This guy.” He doesn’t look back at Jungkook to answer, busy trying to type something on the phone with a single hand. “I told him I didn’t want nothing serious, but now that we fucked he keeps on texting me, asking me to go out with him and shit.” The younger nods, and bites the inner part of his bottom lip, pondering what to say. He almost smiles, dying to tease with an “are you that good?!” – but ends up choosing the most secure option. “Why don’t you?” “Dates sucks. And the whole idea of going out already fades the conquest.” Jungkook furrows his eyebrows for probably the tenth time on the day – his never ending battle of trying to understand Park Jimin – and reclines on the backrest. “Um, no?” Jimin turns his attention back at him. “Um, yes?” He places the phone on the table. “I mean, if you're going out with someone it means the flirting is done, because well, the purpose of flirting is getting a date. Or getting laid.” He adds thoughtfully. “Which I already did. So now it means feelings are about to be involved, and no, thanks.” He emphasizes the last two words and takes another bite of his hamburger, chewing on it while waiting for Jungkook's response, who can only roll his eyes. “Ah, hyung.” He snorts, letting his head fall in defeat. “Why are you like this? Have you even gone to a date, at least? Or you just hate it based on nothing?” Jimin straightens his back, and acts as if he's very offended. “Excuse me? It's not based on nothing. I've analyzed it with my own eyes, you just have to look around.” And so, Jungkook does. Jimin watches him with something akin to amusement on his face. “Not literally, idiot.” “No, let's do this.” Jungkook decides, looking for a table with couple vibes. “There!” He excitedly bounces on his seat once, turning back to Jimin to make sure he is looking the right people. “Those two.” Jimin shakes his head in confusion. “What?” And with no further explanation, Jungkook simply gets up and gestures for Jimin to follow him. “Wh-what, Jungkook!” He quickly gets up when he realizes the boy intends to walk over to the two girls at the other side of the restaurant. “What the hell, are you crazy?!” He hurries to grab the younger's arm with both hands, attempting to pull him back to his chair. There are firm muscles bulging against his palms, but he ignores it with a gulp. “What?” he asks indifferently. “I'mma just ask them some things.” He has a calm expression on his face, as if he's not about to approach two strangers about their supposed love life. Jimin laughs with incredulity. “Yeah, not happening.” He tugs at the arm more insistently. Jungkook doesn’t flinch a centimeter. “What, why not?” Shining, big doe eyes winks back at him innocently and Jimin can’t decide if the he is naive or just dumb. “Um, because that's very impolite? And extremely invasive.” Jimin eyes the couple discreetly for a second. The girl with blonde short hair is leaning with forearms on the table, attentively listening to what the other is saying, and adorning a tender smile across her pink lips. Jimin can’t see the face of the one speaking, but her long hair lays on her back in soft bluish curls. They both seem very pretty. “You also don’t even know if they’re like… a thing.” Jimin finds himself turning his attention back to Jungkook just in time to catch the boy rolling his eyes. It's annoyingly cute. “Oh, please. Just look at them, of course they're a thing.” He doesn’t find much argument against that. He might have never allowed himself to fall in love in his life, but he does recognize a fluttering heart shinning through enamored eyes when he sees one. “Besides, what the hell do you think I'm gonna ask them?! Their sexual lives? No, thanks, Namjoon-hyung's story of his first time eating a guy's ass is traumatic enough.” A grossed out expression makes its way across Jimin's features. “Dude. Thanks for the unnecessary information.” Jungkook tilts his head to the side, smiling sarcastically. Jimin wants to punch it out of his face. With his mouth. Maybe. “You're welcome. Now come.” He's about to complain and step back when Jungkook suddenly grabs his hand and interlocks their fingers. The world kind of spins in a soft blur for a moment and his eyes instantly fall down to it – intertwined fingers clasped together; Jungkook holding firm and he loosely –, which gets his stomach to clench very weirdly. Oh, shit. However, he doesn’t have much time to dwell on how smooth, warm and soft Jungkook's skin feels against his, cause one second he's wondering how it'd feel pressed on his nape – or waist, maybe? – while they make out, and the other he's put in front of two very confused, unknown girls. He forces out a smile to the strangers after a second of hesitation, doing his best at crushing Jungkook's fingers on his, hidden behind their backs. “Hah!” the younger loudly gasps, startling the girls and pulling his hand away from Jimin's grip, quickly forcing a smile on his lips as well. Jimin hopes he felt a lot of pain. Jungkook takes the embarrassing moment to bow in greeting, so Jimin follows suit. “Hello, nice to meet you two. I'm, uh, I'm Jungkook and this is my friend, Jimin.” Jimin lightly leans his head forward again, a low mutter of something that seems “nice to meet you” falling from his lips. The two girls bow back uncertainly and stare at the both of them in silence. God. Jimin never wanted to deck someone in the face so bad – Jungkook, deck Jungkook, not the girls, for god's sake. Yet, he chooses to poke him with his elbow instead. For the time being. “Ah!” the idiot jolts, clapping his hands once in front of his body, obviously trying to come out with something to say. Jimin is sure he could bury his whole self in pure embarrassment right now. He's already blushing hard enough for the two of them anyway. “I'm sorry to, um, interrupt your meal, it's just that me– Me and my friend,” he reiterates, pulling Jimin closer and Jimin really has to manage all of his self control to not kill the boy right there. “We were talking about dates and we got onto a disagreement, so we're doing… research.” Jimin turns to look at him, a smile that says “I'm so going to murder you” hanging on his lips. “We are?” “Ah. Yes.” Jungkook laughs the threat away. “So, anyway, since you two seemed to be on a really nice date, we thought–“ “Oh.” The short haired girl's voice surges for the first time. She takes a hand to her chest and laughs, seemingly relieved. “Thank god, I thought you were trying to hit on us.” If Jimin's cheeks were flushed before, now they are the red of the flames in hell itself. The other girl also laughs, and gestures with her hand to the both of them. “I'm Eunji and she's Hyerin. But, um, actually… We're not on a date.” Jungkook snaps his head back just the slightest, surprised. “Oh.” He voices out innocently, exactly like a kid who just discovered the ocean is only blue because it reflects the sky. Jimin would find it adorable if he wasn't, you know, dying. “Ah, sorry, we thought– Well, that's not a problem, really.” Jungkook smiles. “Can you still answer our questions, though?” Jimin facepalms himself. Literally speaking. “Please, just say yes, so we can leave and I can kill him after this.” His voice comes out muffled, but he can hear giggles, which means it was audible enough. “Yeah, sure.” One of them say. Jimin finds out it's the one with the blue highlights when he takes his hand out of his face. Eunji, right? “What is it?” He finds himself curious, considering he also has no idea what Jungkook is about to ask, so he redirects his attention to him. “Ah, it's truly just one question.” The boy admits, and Jimin could easily mistake the way he is scratching his neck with nervousness. He watches Jungkook open his mouth once and then be caught in a loss of words, as if he is reconsidering what he's about to ask. Jimin doesn’t have time to say anything though – the younger is quick to talk again. “Do you think dates erase the whole meaning of flirting?” Yes, it's his immediate thought. He halfheartedly shifts his gaze from Jungkook's profile to the girls, so he can see their reactions. Hyerin is the first to answer – she has her head tilted a bit to the side in thought, with a pair of furrowed brows. Jimin feels a faint smile forming on his lips, because she's cute. “I think it depends? It's the first date? Second?” Eunji intervenes. “Why would that matter?” Jimin kind of knows why, but he doesn’t want to interfere in their path of discussion. “Well, if it's the first date maybe not, but if it's the sixth then probably?” He nods, as it was exactly what he was thinking. However, Jungkook doesn’t seem to agree beside him, if the way he keeps on changing his weight from a feet to another is anything to tell. “I mean, if you got to the sixth date, there's a high chance that you're, well, dating.” Hyerin concludes, and Jimin takes the chance to subtly glance at Jungkook, but the boy is still resolute in his opinion, it seems. Eunji is the same apparently, as she places her palm on the table and gapes at Hyerin for a second, almost offended. “Excuse me, but what makes you think couples can't flirt at all? My parents are married for 20 years and they flirt all the time!” “Yes, my grandparents too!” Jungkook decides to buy Eunji's fight, so Jimin steps in. “It's not the same.” Although, he is surprised as Hyerin says the very same thing as him in complete sync. They look at each other with open mouths, right before chuckling and high-fiving. “When you flirt with someone you're already dating, it doesn’t really hold the whole meaning of flirting, since the purpose is making the person whom you flirt with fall in love with you.” she concludes and Jimin almost thinks Eunji doesn't have any other argument to beat this one – except she does. “Well, but you can fall in love with the same person everyday.” And this seems to be the actual K.O., given how Hyerin intensely blushes, ducking her head down and Eunji smiles victoriously. So they're actually on a date, Jimin realizes with a smile on his face that warms all the way to his chest. Smart as ever, Jungkook doesn’t seem to catch on that, smirking at Jimin and quirking his eyebrows twice with a hidden teasing that says “see?”, since he thinks they won the argument. Jimin rolls his eyes just because. Hopeless romantics. “Anyway, in which context did this surge?” Hyerin is quick to ask in order to not let an awkward silence stretches on the table, but just after the words leaves her mouth she seems to realize how they actually sounded. “Oh, sorry, I-I didn’t mean to be rude or intrude, I was just curious.” “It's okay.” Jimin reassures with a warm smile, and when he is about to tell her and reasonably explain his point, Jungkook decides to be a dick and paint him as the shallow asshole by cutting him off before he even started talking. “He hates relationships. And he thinks dates sucks.” Jimin punchs his arm, embarrassed. “Yah!” His cheeks feels warm and the grin Jungkook gifts him with does nothing to ease it. “What?” he asks, rubbing the sore spot. “It's your own words! Do they sound completely heartless when I say it to other people?” Jungkook teases and Jimin purses his lips, focusing really hard on stopping blushing so he doesn’t make a fool of himself. “Shut up, I have plenty of reasons.” Jimin emphasizes and Jungkook mocks him by pinching his cheek in front of two strangers. Oh boy, he's dead. “Mhm-mhm, I bet you do, you red baby.” He coos. Oh boy, he's dead. “Oh, we have similar opinions,” Hyerin's voice snaps them out of their personal bubble, “but I don’t think dates sucks.” Jimin sighs. He is alone in this battle, apparently. “But you used to!” Eunji points an accusing finger at the short haired girl. She rolls her eyes, but there's a hint of a smile on her lips. “Well, but I don’t anymore!” Hyerin protests in her own defense. “Stop exposing me.” she mutters. “But what made you change your mind?” Jungkook asks, genuinely curious. “About dates, I mean.” “Well,” Eunji starts in Hyerin's place. “I guess she had to go through a series of many awesome dates, right?” They share an accomplice gaze and Jimin knows it's time for them to leave the girls alone again. “Okay, so. Thank you so much for helping with this idiot's “research”, I'm sure he'll make good use of it being a pain in the ass later.” The girls smile sincerely, politely bowing their heads afterwards. Jimin places a hand on Jungkook's back motioning for him to move back to their table. When he starts walking, Jimin takes a second to lean down a little and whisper so only the girls can hear him, “Enjoy your date.” Hyerin cheeks turns pink instantly, but Eunji simply waves at him, a loving smile adorning her features. “You too.” she whispers back. Before Jimin can clarify he and Jungkook aren’t on a date, said boy holds his waist and waves the girls goodbye over their shoulders. “Thank you!” the younger makes sure to give them his brightest smile. Jimin isn’t able to catch it in full hd though, because Jungkook’s hand on his waist is currently making the skin beneath his jacket tingle in a funny way. ”What did you whisper to them?” the boy questions when they are almost at their table. Jimin has to pull up a small battle with his brain to detach himself from Jungkook's touch so he can reach his seat. He waits for Jungkook to do the same to speak. “I told them to have a good date.” The boy in front of him seems very shocked, much for Jimin's amusement. He chews on a now very cold fry, waiting for Jungkook’s answer. “What– how rude! Hyung, they told us they were not on a date!” Oh god, was he still clueless? For real? Jimin swallows. “Jungkookie. They are on a date.” “Bullshit, they're not–“ he insists confidently at first, but as soon as he turns his body back to take a glance at the girls and spots their shy hands curling in one another, he gulps his previous words. “Shit, they're on a date.” “No joke, Einstein.” Jimin teases. “Now stop staring, they just stopped thinking we're weird and I'd like to keep that way, thank you.” Jungkook does as he's asked, but Jimin can see a hint of offense on his eyes. “They lied to us. Why would they do that?” He shoots Jungkook a face, and the offense painted on the younger's face only grows ten thousands bigger. He places a hand over his chest and almost chokes out, “Do we look like homophobes?!” Jimin rolls his eyes at the boy's innocence. “Jungkook, seriously, when you go out with someone of the same sex as you in an homophobic country, everyone around you looks like homophobes. I thought you would know that.” “Oh.” His face softens. “Right.” And then he smiles. “That's good, then, they form such a cute couple.” Jimin hums agreeing, finally finishing his hamburger with a last bite. His fingers are greasy, so he takes a napkin to clean them and when he looks up, Jungkook smiles a smile with no teeth that makes his cheeks plump up like two little red apples. Jimin knows that smile. He's seen it before. “What?” he asks cautiously, sensing an idea forming in the younger's mind. He's planning something. Something stupid, probably. Once, they were trying to chill in an ice cream shop with Taehyung. Jimin remembers the day was unbearably scorching – and even inside the refrigerated place, there were droplets of sweat forming on the back of his neck, turning the tips of his hair humid. They were talking and trying to distract themselves from the heat as well from the upcoming finals. The topic of the conversation was human beings physical limitations. Don’t ask him how they got there, they just did. Apart from the hot weather, the atmosphere was nice and cozy; their fingers and lips smeared with sweet, Taehyung being the messiest of the three – but that was no news –, and their voices occasionally overlapping one another as they shot random guesses of how much ice cream a person could eat in one sitting. When a mutual agreement – between Jimin and Taehyung – settled that 15 scoops was the limit, the table fell in silence. Jungkook wasn’t pleased. He stared at the older boys with a cocky wriggle of eyebrow and then smiled the way he was smiling now. Before anyone could even say a word, he called for the waitress and well, proved Jimin and Taehyung were wrong by eating twenty scoops of ice cream. Twenty. Jimin almost felt impelled to go and eat twenty one just because, but he wasn’t that suicidal. “What do you have on your schedule today?” Jungkook asks, leaning his head on his hand and blinking his eyelashes in a way it's kind of hard to stare at without getting a heartbeat to skip. A seminar to finish, dance practice for the upcoming performance and a good lay at night, he remembers. “Nothing.” he answers, “Why?” At that, Jungkook's smile grows so wide Jimin's heart clenches and it's awkward, because what the hell. However, he has no time to freak out since Jungkook is suddenly grabbing their personal belongings and shoving it all down his backpack. “What are you doing?” his voice sounds genuinely confused, just how he feels. “Come.” The younger simply gets up and says – as if it's very self explainable –, looking around the table and tapping his pockets to check if everything's there. When Jimin keeps his butt glued to the chair, Jungkook diverts his focus to him. “You're not coming?” he seems puzzled and maybe a bit taken aback, but that’s probably just Jimin reading his actions too deeply. “Coming where?” And that’s when Jimin has to hold back all his oxygen inside his lungs in order to keep a straight expression, because all of a sudden Jungkook places one hand on the chair's backrest, another on the table and leans down so fast his face is found just inches away from Jimin's. He almost gasps, but he knows his self control better, so he quickly finds his composure again. “To the mall.” Jimin's mind suffer an abrupt short circuit, because is Jungkook really planning on doing what I think he's planning to do. “I'm gonna be your cupid.” Oh. Well, he's not, but wait– “What?!” The younger straightens his column with a smile, hands hiding in his pockets. “I'll be your cupid.” He repeats plainly, something hidden in the way his lips curve at just the right angle to form a timid dimple. “Let's find you a date. That's the only way we can know who's right.” Jimin laughs with incredulity. “Would you go that far just to prove a point?!” That's when he sees a chance to tease. And he takes it. “Are you sure you're not just using this as an excuse to take me out?” He gets up, and even though Jungkook is taller, this time, the proximity seems to disconcert the younger. It lasts such a short second, though, just like it did with Jimin. Apparently, they're playing games and well that's Jimin's language. He smirks, and so does Jungkook. “It's not like I have to find an excuse to take you out, is it?” he whispers closer to his face. Jimin is left back shocked at the boldness, since Jungkook pulls away just as fast, switching his tone and consequently the atmosphere. “And of course I'm serious!” he steps backwards at the cashier's direction. “Let's go, it's gonna be new. That's the synonymous of exciting to you, right?” he turns around in order to walk properly and misses Jimin rolling of eyes at him, but Jimin's pretty sure it was purposeful. He rolls his eyes one more time, following the younger nevertheless – and it's not like he doesn’t realize the bothersome tugging at his chest, but he decides to settle on it being simple anticipation. Maybe Jungkook's right and new is really another word for excitement to him. Not that he is letting him know he's right. When Jimin reachs the boy at the front counter, Jungkook's money is already being handed to the lady behind the computer. “Yah!” Jimin reprimands him. “What are you doing, idiot? Told you it's my treat!" “Of course not.” Jungkook looks back at him. “I invited you, so I pay.” Jimin shakes his head, insistent – not like it's useful, since the woman is already giving Jungkook the change and thanking him. But no dongsaeng has ever paid for him – not even Taehyung. It's somewhat intimate, and it unsettles him. “I'm the hyung.” He says. “So?” Jungkook puts the money back on his wallet and then snorts. “Aish, stop being difficult, you're the only person I know who complains for getting free food.” There's a couple of young teenagers already waiting behind them to pay, so Jungkook bows for the lady who attended to him and walks towards the exit. Jimin follows suit, maintaining his lowkey sulking mode. “We're probably proving that theory right by the end of the day and I'm really the unluckiest person in the world today.” Jungkook isn’t sure if's he's more of pouting or talking. Either way, it's adorable. He fights the urge to squish his hyung's cheeks, and decides on bending down instead, putting them on eye level. “Don’t be like that…” he trails, entertained by the way Jimin's eyes widen slightly and his bottom lip is sucked inside his mouth. “You're spending the entire day with me.” He reminds him. When Jimin releases the flesh, it comes back a flushing red. “It's not that bad, right?” Smiling amused, Jungkook does exactly what he did minutes ago, and gives Jimin his back – instead this time, he does catches the elder rolling his eyes. Within the cutest pair of rosy cheeks coming along on the package. Too bad he misses the loving smile sprawling on Jimin's lips when he turns arounds.

[themeltedheadaches]

ALL THE ASKS DO IT unless ur too busy #collegelife love u ❤❤❤❤

LOVE U BOO never too busy for u (also using this to procrastinate on my french composition so)

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

i eat my cereal………………….dry…………..

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

YES that’s literally my life now. i love it but also my nose was running today all the way to get coffee in downtown. i was in THREE LAYERS it is not even DECEMBER

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

answered! :)

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

if i’m going to be a bitch and just get plain coffee, i’m gonna get it black bc otherwise i’ll just have a white mocha or a cappuccino or something (the ppl at the campus coffeeshop know who i am. they know my order. “one sin-ful latte coming up!” thank u for fueling my Addition.) i take my tea with milk and sugar if it’s black tea ((earl gray)) or with honey if it’s green tea. if it’s white tea i’ll sometimes have it with sugar, and if it’s something like peppermint or lavender or chamomile i’ll just have it plain. IM A PICKY BITCH

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

i used to be! but now i like it. 

6: do you keep plants?

YES pls pray for them

7: do you name your plants?

answered! :)

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

poetry! i like to watercolor too, actually, though i left them at home :(

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

YES i miss my car bc that’s when i would have Prime Time to sing and hum to myself or along to whatever song i live for at the moment. (i’m into a musical rn and i can’t yell the lyrics out i’m so ANnoyed Always)

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

answered!

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

i have fucking countless at home……. at college there are quite a few too! as in: “hypothetically, vodka?,” “fuckinG,,,WHAT,” “[blow twice] [slurp sound] [tongue click] noice.,” “SHPEAKERSH OHN!,” “over there! like, over there? over there. over there?,” “just going to go kick some nutria,” and of course, the classic, “same, but jewish.” 

12: what’s your favorite planet?

URANUS actually tho it’s uranus. i had to do my planet project on it in the 4th grade and i gave my brother AND mother silent treatment for two days bc they laughed at its name. i’m very protective

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

i saw my favorite puppy on campus again today!! he’s grown so much!! also my poetry professor’s wife had a successful surgery! #GoMeredith 

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

SO MESSY………………….listen. @michelle i’ve seen ur room, and i would just accept that that is how we live now and it’s fine. it would also be aesthetic as fuck tho tbh. full of yarn and animal fur. and books. and junk food #RIFP

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

if saturn’s rings were a meter long, they would be 10000 times thinner than a razorblade! what the fuckkkkkkkkkkk

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

UHHHHH fucking;;;;;;;;what how am i supposed to #represent my italian fmaily with this DISGUSTING question,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, jk i fuckig love risotto, just ur basic bitch peas and cheese risotto and i’ll cry. also?? gnocchi!! holy shiiiiiiiit. 

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

my hair has such good color i’d actually rather shave it all off than dye it :/

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

HHHHHHHH yesterday. LITERALLY yesterday. there was a french club meeting that served cheese and bread! so i took my Good Friend WIliam (who is not in french, unlike me), and we walk into the room, and i say “helLO!” bc that’s good manners, when you’re going to just get food and leave, and it’s dead silent. i get food and leave. william has told everyone in our entire hall twice.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

answered!

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

i’m so biased……….but……..brown………..

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

my brown leather one! it’s actually super fake leather and i got it from target!! but it’s cute and small and somehow fits everything i need to put in it, including 3 beers and my wallet and 2 phones last weekend. i’ve had for 4 years now 

22: are you a morning person?

yes! i like waking up early actually 

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

go on youtube and waste time, or walk around campus/downtown with friends, or shop!

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

yes

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my cousin’s RV

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

my brown leather boots! wow there’s a trend here lmao. actually i’ve had two pairs of these bc my first was falling apart?? i used them first in a cosplay……in the 7th grade………..(i was matt from death note and to this day i’m STILL not fucking ashamed, i had the wig and goggles and everything.) i love them and wear them all the time, they’re so comfy and warm and stylish and i feel like a hacker badass everytime i wear them. still to this day.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

bubblegum gives me hives i do Not enjoy it :(

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset!

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

one of my friends down the hall will call things/ppl “cute as pie” completely genuinely!! i love her!!

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

oh yeah

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

i fucking love them thanks end of story. wearing them makes me feel cozy and put together and also atm my dorm floor is Disgusting. i sleep with them when it’s cold and my feet are dry! i have so many fun socks it’s great. i love them. socks are highly underrated.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

my friend and i were driving around evERYWHRE basically, we went from pasadena/san marino to like. hollywood all the way to beverly hills and back and it was wonderful, we stopped 3 times to chase stray cats, take shitty pictures, go to iHop, and almost died several times bc hE SNAPS AND DRIVES at NIGHT on LA FREEWAYS

33: what’s your fave pastry?

croissants, followed by scones, followed by coffeecake 

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

bunny the stuffed bunny! she’s pretty large, like as long as my torso! she’s white fabric with colored fluffy bits and very floppy, loose ears. she has green button eyes that i had my grandma sew on bc otherwise she actually scared me a bit when i was a kid, but i loved her anyway bc my great-grandmother sewed her for me in the first place. bunny still lives on my bed at home! 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

YES! i ddon’t use them very often though bc i feel like i should save them for something. rip me

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

stromae hands down

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

clean….i’m so lazy tho

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

sudden loud noises, being startled, being touched physically when i don’t expect it, someone making assumptions about me, being dismissed, being told what i want or what i’m going to do, borrowing something of mine w/o telling me, being interrupted 

39: what color do you wear the most?

HONESTLY black bc i’m an emo bitch

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

one i’ve been wearing a lot is the fork ring i got from the portland saturday market! it’s literally the tines of a vintage fork separated from the part you hold, sanded down so it’s round, and looped into a ring shape. i fidget with it a lot and it reminds me of my mom and step-dad, bc i got it when i was with them. i wear it mostly everyday tbh

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

new american best friend by olivia gatwood in general, or thick as thieves by megan whalen turner when i re-read it out loud to my mom on the ride up to college

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

yeeeeeeS i have several! the bistro, which is on campus: it’s so comfortable, it has couches everywhere and board games and so many books and zines and the walls are half chalkboard so there’s always art or snark everywhere. the music is super eclectic (it was lorde yesterday, today when i went in it was old-school 90s rap), plus it’s student run so the coffee and pastries and food are SO GOOD. the archive, which is downtown, is really boujee as fuck but it’s SO COOL. it’s so fucking aesthetic, with brown leather stools and uncomfortable booths and vintage books and stuff everywhere. for half the day, it’s a coffeeshop, and after 7, it becomes a bar. then back home, of course, coffee bean and tea leaf is the classic

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

half my hall when we went star tripping at the start of the year!

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

honestly the last time it was genuine was probably around…….january? i was in so much emotional pain and grief, but i was surrounded by family who loved me and were in that same pain and were so happy i was with them to help and be there with them. i wasn’t serene per say, or at peace, but there was this equilibrium….

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yes!

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

my RA told me this one this morning: did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory in france this morning? de-brie everywhere! 

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

tomatoes 

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

spiders, YES

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i do…………………….. it was the soundtrack to romeo et juliette (2010)

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

everything; stickers, pressed flowers, rocks, receipts 

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

the easiest one is when i think of my roommate, davey the dog’s barking cover of “do the hustle”

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

ew

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

no, yes, no, no, it was okay

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

ME, BITCH

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

chugged an an entire pitcher of water to prove i could, three times

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

genuineness! vulnerability! eye contact! fidgeting!

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

made me feel PUMPED, and of course i did

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

i am both

59: what’s your favorite myth?

uHHHHHHHHHH i love the myth of beowulf actually bc i had to do a project on it once, i have a soft spot for it, i love all myths tho wtf

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

YES,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, recently some of my favorites are the entirety of a montage of a dream deferred by langston hughes, “totem sonnets” by sherman alexie, “on earth we’re briefly gorgeous” by ocean vuong, “one art” by elizabeth bishop

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

stupid gifts are nonexistent :/

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

noooo

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

yes lmao…….i kinda leave them be but i don’t like it if i let someone borrow them and they trash them uGH

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

Pitch Black

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

YES

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

morning glories, lavender, baby’s breath!

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

very good, thankfully, bc i am in oregon

68: what’s winter like where you live?

in LA, it’s cold and sweet and late and breathless and i adore it

69: what are your favorite board games?

jenga, clue, ??

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

NONONONONO

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

peppermint for mornings, earl gray for evenings!

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

yes, sadly

73: what are some of your worst habits?

biting the skin around my fingers, bouncing my knees incessantly, procrastinating on my french compositions……

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

well there’s this amazing person who i met in freshman year german…….;)

75: tell us about your pets!

i WISH

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

yes :(

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

pink of course

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i am the true hateclub: i don’t react. do not give them power. they Feed off of your Hatred

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

get me flowers, surprise me with chocolate, come up to me and compliment me on my writing, etc!!

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

at home my walls are a soft orangey-peach, which is picked bc i love it. here, my walls are very very white, which i did not pick, but am neutral towards.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

circuit-board chips busted open

82: are/were you good in school?

ehhhhhhh

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

MELODRAMA

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

yes! a minimalistic double-delight rose for my great-grandmother, “love ya!” in my grandpa’s handwriting, maybe a nutshell with a crown over it (for the “king of infinite space” bit in hamllet), possibly “soyez réaliste, demandez l’impossible!” (be realistic, demand the impossible!) from the french student revolution in the 60s

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

somewhat, def hawkeye or the young avengers bc i’m basic :/

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

the only one i’ve rlly ever listened to is fucking danger days, so i worship them obviously

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

i think ppl should make their own agendas :/ however, i have deeply loved secondhand lions, up, moonlight, the grand budapest hotel, and other basic bitch things

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

impressionism!! aaaaaaa!!! also just shove me in front of abstract art and i’ll fall for it!!! 

89: are you close to your parents?

so so so so close to my mom and step-dad, on okay terms with my dad

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

listen to me. I LOVE SEATTLE. art! fish market! weird side streets! mean street art! bitchy coffee!! neon everywhere!! a big fuckin needle in the sky!

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

ITALY THIS SUMMER IM SO EXCITED i’m gonna meet all my mom’s friends from her semester abroad that she’s kept, i’m gonna see what she saw when she was my age, i’m gonna see where my dad’s family is from maybe if we go south???, i’m gonna see all the places and things she used to tell me about to get me to dream big and want to see the world and experience what’s out there!! aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

depends on the pasta

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

down bc i’m fucking lazy and also inept when it comes to doing things with hair

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

my friend across the hall from me, who is now 19 years of bitchiness!

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

stay in, study, maybe go to a kickback tho

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

lol i put them off until my computer ceases to function altogether 

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

zodiac obviously

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

fucking…….summer?? i did!

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

“feelings” by hayley kiyoko, “vacation town” by the front bottoms, “february” by beach bunny, “hard feelings/loveless” by lorde, “moon river” by henri mancini, “let me in” by flor, “a million miles away” by the plimsoles, “girls like me” by bonnie hayes, “love my way” by the psychedelic furs, the entire legend of zelda soundtrack, “place, je passe” from the mozart l’opera rock soundtrack, etc etc